This
morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered
the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first:
John: |
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." |
Mary: |
Hi! We're here to invite you to come
kiss Hank's ass with us." |
Me: |
"Pardon me?! What are you talking
about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss
His ass?" |
John: |
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll
give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll
kick the crap out of you." |
Me: |
"What? Is this some sort of
bizarre mob shake-down?" |
John: |
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist.
Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can
do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give
you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss
His ass." |
Me: |
"That doesn't make any sense.
Why..." |
Mary: |
"Who are you to question Hank's
gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it
worth a little kiss on the ass?" |
Me: |
"Well maybe, if it's legit,
but..." |
John: |
"Then come kiss Hank's ass with
us." |
Me: |
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" |
Mary: |
"Oh yes, all the time..." |
Me: |
"And has He given you a million
dollars?" |
John: |
"Well no. You don't actually
get the money until you leave town." |
Me: |
"So why don't you just leave
town now?" |
Mary: |
"You can't leave until Hank
tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He
kicks the crap out of you." |
Me: |
"Do you know anyone who kissed
Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" |
John: |
"My mother kissed Hank's ass
for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure
she got the money." |
Me: |
"Haven't you talked to her since
then?" |
John: |
"Of course not, Hank doesn't
allow it." |
Me: |
"So what makes you think He'll
actually give you the money if you've never talked
to anyone who got the money?" |
Mary: |
"Well, He gives you a little
bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise,
maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just
find a twenty-dollar bill on the street." |
Me: |
"What's that got to do with
Hank?" |
John: |
"Hank has certain 'connections.'" |
Me: |
"I'm sorry, but this sounds
like some sort of bizarre con game." |
John: |
"But it's a million dollars,
can you really take the chance? And remember, if
you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the crap of
you." |
Me: |
"Maybe if I could see Hank,
talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..." |
Mary: |
"No one sees Hank, no one talks
to Hank." |
Me: |
"Then how do you kiss His ass?" |
John: |
"Sometimes we just blow Him
a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss
Karl's ass, and he passes it on." |
Me: |
"Who's Karl?" |
Mary: |
"A friend of ours. He's the
one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass.
All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few
times." |
Me: |
"And you just took his word
for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank
wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would
reward you?" |
John: |
"Oh
no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago
explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see
for yourself." |
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From
the desk of Karl
- Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you
a million dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the crap out of people who
aren't like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list Himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the
bathroom.
- Don't use alcohol.
- Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
- Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the
crap out of you.
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Me: |
"This appears to
be written on Karl's letterhead." |
Mary: |
"Hank didn't have
any paper." |
Me: |
"I have a hunch
that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." |
John: |
"Of course, Hank
dictated it." |
Me: |
"I thought you
said no one gets to see Hank?" |
Mary: |
"Not now, but years
ago He would talk to some people." |
Me: |
"I thought you
said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist
kicks the crap out of people just because they're
different?" |
Mary: |
"It's what Hank
wants, and Hank's always right." |
Me: |
"How do you figure
that?" |
Mary: |
"Item 7 says 'Everything
Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!" |
Me: |
"Maybe your friend
Karl just made the whole thing up." |
John: |
"No way! Item 5
says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4
says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands
after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things are right, so the rest must be true,
too." |
Me: |
"But 9 says 'Don't
use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2,
and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which
is just plain wrong." |
John: |
"There's no contradiction
between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6
goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't
say for sure." |
Me: |
"Scientists have
pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of rock..." |
Mary: |
"But they don't
know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out
of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." |
Me: |
"I'm not really
an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*.
Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't
make it cheese." |
John: |
"Ha! You just admitted
that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank
is always right!" |
Me: |
"We do?" |
Mary: |
"Of course we do,
Item 7 says so." |
Me: |
"You're saying
Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know
that Hank dictated it because the list says so.
That's circular logic, no different than saying
'Hank's right because He says He's right.'" |
John: |
"Now you're getting
it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around
to Hank's way of thinking." |
Me: |
"But...oh, never
mind. What's the deal with wieners?" |
Mary: |
She blushes. |
John: |
"Wieners, in buns,
no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is
wrong." |
Me: |
"What if I don't
have a bun?" |
John: |
"No bun, no wiener.
A wiener without a bun is wrong." |
Me: |
"No relish? No
Mustard?" |
Mary: |
She looks positively
stricken. |
John: |
He's shouting. "There's
no need for such language! Condiments of any kind
are wrong!" |
Me: |
"So a big pile
of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be out of the question?" |
Mary: |
Sticks her fingers in
her ears."I am not listening to this. La la
la, la la, la la la." |
John: |
"That's disgusting.
Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." |
Me: |
"It's good! I eat
it all the time." |
Mary: |
She faints. |
John: |
He catches Mary. "Well,
if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't
have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out
of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing.
I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered
kraut-eater." |
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting
car, and sped off.
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